“Vegetation Attack Disrupts Peace Meeting” by Laura Weldon

Laura Weldon cooks subversively, speculates outlandishly and enjoys the company of other hermits. Her recent book is Free Range Learning. Visit her at www.lauragraceweldon.com.


I work for a peace organization headed by a man I regard as close to
sainthood. I have no saintly aspirations of my own, but when I’m around
John I strive to live up to his example or, at least behave myself.

When John invited me to discuss a new project we met at an eco-conscious coffee shop that sells Fair Trade drinks and locally sourced food. There I drank coffee stronger than I’d ever tasted in a mug larger than I’d ever seen. Too late I remembered that caffeine gives me nervous jitters.

A third person joined us for the meeting. John was effusive in his praise
for my accomplishments as he introduced me to this older gentleman. Way too effusive. It’s hard to live up to such superlatives, especially while trying to keep one’s hands from caffeine-related shaking.

The men ordered soup and sandwiches. Scanning the menu to find something reasonably priced, I ordered the first salad listed and turned my attention back to the meeting. When my order arrived I was alarmed. Large dark vegetation loomed over my plate. The leaves looked quite a bit like thistle, nettle and other invasive weeds. I dug in bravely, hoping that once I’d gotten some nourishment the caffeine jitters would wear off.

My tablemates had charming manners. They took small bites, wiped their mouths carefully and added wonderful insight to the conversation only after swallowing. Meanwhile I discovered that the giant plants on my plate couldn’t be cut in pieces. Instead I had to bend them in half with my fork and hope that dressing didn’t dribble on the table, my clothes or chin as I drove each bite resolutely into my mouth. As I worked at eating I listened intently and kept my comments to a minimum.

Just as I was inserting a neatly folded plant leaf in my mouth John
addressed a question to me. A serious, lengthy reply sort of question. I
was in trouble. Not because I had no response. No, because the process of shoveling in a huge folded leaf took longer than a sip of soup or bite of sandwich ever could.

Worse yet, the leaf was larger than my coffee-addled brain had
anticipated. It seemed to grow as it headed toward my lips. Since the food was partway in my mouth it was too late to throw the whole action in reverse. So I shoved the rest of it in, afraid that I looked like one of those mulching machines grinding a tree branch.

A conversational pause developed around the table as my lunch companions politely waited for me to answer. Desperately I tried to hurry. I hoped after a few quick chewing motions I’d be able to respond.

No such luck. As I pulled the fork out of my mouth the unexpected
happened. That hulking leaf unfolded. Like an angry vegetable on a rampage it sprung fully open and leaped to the back of my throat, instantly triggering a gag reflex.

There was nothing I could do. Reflexes do not respect politeness nor
honor the presence of a saint. My eyes widened in horror as my mouth
involuntarily flung open. The entire lettuce leaf emerged at top speed from my gaping maw right onto the plate. Gag related tears were in my eyes and gag related saliva was hovering with great drool potential on my lower lip.

It is a testament to the training of those involved in the peace movement that my companions didn’t bolt from the table. They didn’t even blink.

John looked at me kindly. As if his wording had caused me some discomfort, he said without a hint of irony, “Let me rephrase the question.”

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Anyone Hear A Horn Tooting? « Laura Grace Weldon
June 1, 2010 at 11:34 am

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Urmila Samson March 4, 2010 at 11:22 am

Ooooh! I loved that!

Mike March 4, 2010 at 11:04 pm

Glad you liked it!

Maggie March 6, 2010 at 9:24 pm

Oh, Laura, this is why I have to be careful imbibing liquids around you – this story made me snort tea out my nose. Admittedly not as dramatic as the leaf you describe, but plenty messy, believe me!

Thanks for the chortle!

Caroline Hagood March 7, 2010 at 8:59 am

This is a great story. Thanks for sharing.

Nancy Ilk June 11, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Hysterical! I needed to laugh today in the worst way, and your story provided it! I love honest writing–wonderful!

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